Worse Than Harry Potter’s Cupboard Under the Stairs - Part III

Katelyn vs. The Catholic Church Series

A week after my publicly denied communion I showed up to the church for my life confession. I walk through those Catholic doors and find the church empty and eerily dark. Up walks Father Jim. I think to myself did I tell anyone I’m here?

It felt like one of those scary movies where the ditzy blonde (aka me, thank you very much) gets killed off first. Fun fact: back in the day, they used to call me "Barbie." And while I used to think it was an insult, now I see it as a compliment. Thank you Margot Robbie. Iconic.

Father Jim leads me around the corner and opens up a small door. I peek inside and find the smallest room located under a set of stairs. It’s giving Harry Potter cupboard vibes. We step inside and take a seat.

Typically in a Catholic confessional you have the option of having a screen between you and the priest or sitting in front of him. There was no choice today. We were going eye to eye. Good.

And so it begins, the life confession. Let’s start at the age of when I began “sinning”. Umm ok - Dear Father, I'm sorry for punching my brother’s friends in the nuts? LOL - is this for real? Yes it is. I’m sorry for cracking open a beer during Christmas mass and proceeding to drink it. Lo siento Padre for dressing up as a Catholic school girl every Friday just to rile up the boys even though I went to a public high school. Forgive me for walking in on my bestie doing the deed only to ask her if she had a condom. (Remember: practice safe sex).

With each sin we repeat a prayer and chant three times. At this rate the priest and I are about to have a slumber party in Harry Potter's cupboard. We go through adolescence, high school, and my twenties.

Now clearly the priest knows I did not wait for marriage to practice the sacred act. I begin—Father, I am sorry for sleeping in the same bed as my fiancé. He gives me the side eye. Okay I am sorry for living with my fiancé because the city is so expensive and this is how we can afford rent and for having s-e-x and oh yeah I wanted to try it before I buy it. I like shopping. We repeat the prayer and chant three times along with my lengthy sin. Few I’m in the clear and forgiven. Or so I thought.

Father Jim asks “did you bring the list?” I physically reply by undoing my scroll that drops to the floor with all the men I have slept with. KIDDING. It’s not that many. But I did add a few extra Matts, Dans, and names I “couldn’t” remember for dramatic purposes because I like pretending my life is a reality TV series. I say a name and ask for forgiveness, repeat the prayer, and chant.

Father - Anybody else?

Katelyn - Oh Father, I can't remember their names.

Father - Can you remember a quality or attribute?

Forgive me for hooking up with the man who poked me like a woodpecker. Actually that man should ask for forgiveness.

Forgive me for sleeping with the short king because they deserve love too.

Forgive me for partially hooking up with the guy who had a teeny weeny.

Forgive me Father for being a big FAT liar. I just really wanted to see his eyes pop out of his head. After a lot of praying he declares I’m a born again virgin. Wow, I feel fucking holy. Father Jim makes it clear that Lonny and I are to not “sleep” together until the wedding. And because I’m competitive and love a challenge I’m going to stick to this one. Good luck to my Latin lover (Lonny).

Once we got through all my sins, we were ready for the kneeling. Oh, the kneeling. Side thought, the Catholic Church really does prepare you for kneeling - lol if you know where I’m going with that one. I’m pretty sure we were hours into the confession at this point—there were no clocks, no windows, no indication of time passing.

After what felt like an eternity of kneeling, I popped up off the floor. Father Jim, however, was not so lucky. He couldn’t get up. I noticed his palms sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy—oops there I go rapping Eminem.

Oh no. My sins had paralyzed him. Slowly, from his kneeling position, Father Jim dropped to the floor like a fallen soldier and began to army crawl across the room. It was slow motion, and for a second, I wasn’t sure if we were still in a confessional or if I had accidentally re-entered the horror film.

Was this my punishment? But after what felt like forever, he made it to the door, stood up like nothing happened, and said, “You’re forgiven.”

And that, my friends, is how I survived my life confession: an awkward, lengthy, and downright cinematic experience. A total of 4 hours and 48 minutes confessing my sins, praying, chanting, and kneeling. As I left the church, I realized one thing for sure—I never want to go back to that cupboard under the stairs again.

Stay tuned for “The Late Padre” in the next episode of Katelyn vs. The Catholic Church.